True Crimes: "Whom are you calling as a pimp?"

I told you that I love mangled English. All of the sentences below, except for what's in [brackets] were found in the Indian "True Crimes" magazine I bought. I spent an unreasonable amount of time finding the worst offenders and rearranging them into the story below:

[Geeta is neglected by her husband.]

Her husband clipped her ambitions with the instrument of refusal. The pangs of separation from her paramour made her to suffer.

[Vijay, a single man, flirts with married Geeta.]

When he retired to his bed that night, he tried to analyze latent import of her expressions; his body got thrilled.

[Geeta and Vijay, the next day.]

Vijay's friends had cars, in which stereos were fitted and they used to insert cassettes in the decks and then enjoy melody of recorded songs. "Come, let us go to the lake and listen to melodies of songs there."

Geeta smelt a revolting odour in what he spoke. But Vijay was influential and also commanded much muscle power. Although he was in love with another girl called Lucy, a modern and highly fashionable dame, love messages were started exchanging through visual contact. Geeta put a bewitching and killing smile on her lips. Vijay didn't find her unsuitable for an immoral act. "My business pertains to counterfeit currency and alongside I also do swindling. I will indulge in such novel acts of sex that your spirits will blossom and cheer you up and you will not feel sorry."

Geeta: "Would I prepare for celebration?"

Vijay: "Sure, keep really super fine liquor and hot stuffed kabobs. I'll make you drink some from goblet and the rest with my lips."

Geeta: "Don't cut such a joke with me. I have already suffered a lot of misfortune at the hands of my destiny."

After beating about the bush for sometime, Vijay touched the focal point. This is how love got on track once again. Geeta got greatly fancied to Vijay's all such maneuvers. When she got fully charged up, she clung to him.

On reaching inside the room Vijay took Geeta in his arms and started titillating her body so as to ignite every pore of her body with libidinous urge. This was followed by repetition of frenzied sexual antics to which they had got accustomed. Their bodies were already so much charged up with intense libidinous heat, that when they mated their body heat melted like wax. Geeta was trigger happy to have got her body squeezed by a young man.

Even despite best efforts it is not possible to contain exposure of love affair as its wind spreads all around.

[The husband, Pradeep, shows up outside the door unexpectedly!]

He fixed his eyes at the slit of the door. The scene made the eyes of Pradeep to google out of his sockets with surprise. He was stunned to witness Geeta and Vijay were freely flowing and indulging in sex stream without any hassles. He opened the door under utter nervousness.

"I never expected such a demeaning activity from you. Don't you feel ashamed by stealthily intruding into prestige of our family? Are you in your senses?"

Vijay: "Where does the question of infamy arise?"

Pradeep: "If ever I see you from here to Sumerpur, I will make holes in your head and then you will learn how terrible Pradeep Kewit is!"

Seeing spate of tears flowing down Pradeep's eyes, Geeta's mind got emotively moved. Geeta was reeling under mental torture.

[Policemen show up outside the door!]

Members of the police girded up their loins to get Vijay.

Policeman bursts in: "You supposed you would succeed every time in throwing dust into the eyes of law forgetting that the arms of law are very long. Yes, very long! Your game is up!"

Wretched Pradeep lost his senses.

[Happily, The End!]

Love,
Dave

True Crimes: "Is looses of sexual organs curable?"

I flipped open a "True Crimes" magazine here, filled with sordid details of people who had been "done to death" and others who were "so much feeling horrified by the misdeeds." The real crime was the brutalization of the English language, the mangle-ization of which I happen to love. Still, it was informative. I didn't know, for example, that one of the female sexual disorders was "repeat birth of female children," or that "most of the people ignorantly spoil their semen excessively." Who knew?

I've included some of the most mangled and/or informative bits for your reading pleasure below. The whole magazine wasn't this bad - if it was I would have bought a subscription.

I tried to keep every spelling and punctuation error just as it is in the magazine:

Q: Is looses of sexual organs curable?

A: Use VIGORA High Power can strengthen the flashy part of sexual organs also cure looseness and and weakness. This is a solution to the entire problem.

 

Q: I am 38. My belly has swelled too much. Any remedy to this infection?

A: Do some exercise. Also use 3 vial course of FATCOM. Which removes unwanted fats from the body.

 

Q: My husband always looks at other women. Now I have to go to my mother place for one month. Do you have any medicine which can stop his sex?

A: There is no such medicine. He is sexy because he loves you. It is normal for a men to look at other women. Do not worry too much. No woman can capture a man's interest for ever. This is human sexual nature.

 

Q: My problem is that I don't get any satisfaction during sex with my husband. I am also suffering from discharge and backpain. What should I do?

A: All your problems are because you are not satisfied during intercourse. Your husband is either a premature ejaculator or you are having relationship problem. You can purchase Female Vibrator from us, which can give you orgasmic pleasure.

 

"We have developed special Breasto massage paste for ladies to improve breatline, beautiful heavy round firm up breasts muscles and improvement in figure health."

 
May your flashy bits be, uhh, flashy! But not too flashy...

Love,
Dave

The universal ache

The first time I noticed it was probably driving along the Pacific Coast Highway of California, near Big Sur. I'd come over a hill and seen this absolutely breathtaking view of the coastline, with verdant green grass, impossibly black-blue water, fantastic rocks jutting out into the sea, and crashing waves. It was so beautiful it... hurt. It didn't hurt, exactly, but it wasn't only pleasant - it made me ache. But ache for what? And why an ache? I've never understood it.

 

I'm bringing it up now because that bitter/sweet ache reminds me of the feelings I have for my Grandmother who just died. In spite of missing her, it's not only unpleasant. It's sweet and warm and tender and vulnerable in the best possible way. It can't be placed on the scale of pleasant or unpleasant - it's on the scale of love. I'm reminded of a fragment of that definition of compassion - "a quivering of the heart." Unlike the song lyric, love doesn't hurt. You may hurt when you dare to love, but it's not the love that's painful; it's the baggage that comes along for the ride. In expansive moments of connection with the "other," whether it's Grams or the ocean, and you feel that ache - it's like love recognising itself.

 

I've been really moved by all the kind things people wrote in response to my last message. They wrote of memories of their own grandparents, and what it meant for them when they passed. We're really not alone in this. Thank you all for reminding me of that.

 

Too much love,

Dave

 

p.s. I'm 50 today! But I don't know which part of me is 50. I'm still looking - and I'll let you know.

 

 

I don't have a photo of my Grandma with me, so I chose some other beautiful Grandma's to stand in her place. The photo below includes a leper, a tea picker, a Tibetan - and a whole lot of Grandma love.

 

(The End)