Wednesday, July 12, 2006

True Crimes: "Whom are you calling as a pimp?"

I told you that I love mangled English. All of the sentences below, except for what's in [brackets] were found in the Indian "True Crimes" magazine I bought. I spent an unreasonable amount of time finding the worst offenders and rearranging them into the story below:

[Geeta is neglected by her husband.]

Her husband clipped her ambitions with the instrument of refusal. The pangs of separation from her paramour made her to suffer.

[Vijay, a single man, flirts with married Geeta.]

When he retired to his bed that night, he tried to analyze latent import of her expressions; his body got thrilled.

[Geeta and Vijay, the next day.]

Vijay's friends had cars, in which stereos were fitted and they used to insert cassettes in the decks and then enjoy melody of recorded songs. "Come, let us go to the lake and listen to melodies of songs there."

Geeta smelt a revolting odour in what he spoke. But Vijay was influential and also commanded much muscle power. Although he was in love with another girl called Lucy, a modern and highly fashionable dame, love messages were started exchanging through visual contact. Geeta put a bewitching and killing smile on her lips. Vijay didn't find her unsuitable for an immoral act. "My business pertains to counterfeit currency and alongside I also do swindling. I will indulge in such novel acts of sex that your spirits will blossom and cheer you up and you will not feel sorry."

Geeta: "Would I prepare for celebration?"

Vijay: "Sure, keep really super fine liquor and hot stuffed kabobs. I'll make you drink some from goblet and the rest with my lips."

Geeta: "Don't cut such a joke with me. I have already suffered a lot of misfortune at the hands of my destiny."

After beating about the bush for sometime, Vijay touched the focal point. This is how love got on track once again. Geeta got greatly fancied to Vijay's all such maneuvers. When she got fully charged up, she clung to him.

On reaching inside the room Vijay took Geeta in his arms and started titillating her body so as to ignite every pore of her body with libidinous urge. This was followed by repetition of frenzied sexual antics to which they had got accustomed. Their bodies were already so much charged up with intense libidinous heat, that when they mated their body heat melted like wax. Geeta was trigger happy to have got her body squeezed by a young man.

Even despite best efforts it is not possible to contain exposure of love affair as its wind spreads all around.

[The husband, Pradeep, shows up outside the door unexpectedly!]

He fixed his eyes at the slit of the door. The scene made the eyes of Pradeep to google out of his sockets with surprise. He was stunned to witness Geeta and Vijay were freely flowing and indulging in sex stream without any hassles. He opened the door under utter nervousness.

"I never expected such a demeaning activity from you. Don't you feel ashamed by stealthily intruding into prestige of our family? Are you in your senses?"

Vijay: "Where does the question of infamy arise?"

Pradeep: "If ever I see you from here to Sumerpur, I will make holes in your head and then you will learn how terrible Pradeep Kewit is!"

Seeing spate of tears flowing down Pradeep's eyes, Geeta's mind got emotively moved. Geeta was reeling under mental torture.

[Policemen show up outside the door!]

Members of the police girded up their loins to get Vijay.

Policeman bursts in: "You supposed you would succeed every time in throwing dust into the eyes of law forgetting that the arms of law are very long. Yes, very long! Your game is up!"

Wretched Pradeep lost his senses.

[Happily, The End!]